Over the last couple of days, I have felt kinda bad. I've felt kinda bad because I'm not totally proud of the way I've been handling this mid semester slump that I think I'm going through at the moment. Like most people, my motivation is suffering because there isn't really an end in sight... Thanksgiving Break is still over a month away. While I do enjoy my classes, they aren't easy and if I'm struggling with motivation, it is ten times harder to do well. I recognize intellectually that I need to probably kick myself into high gear, and I've had some little spurts of this. However, sometimes I just feel like staying in bed and doing nothing. Since I like lists, I'm just going to list-rant about my feelings at the moment.
A. Tired. I try to go to bed at a reasonable time, but it's almost like I feel guilty about doing so because that usually means not studying, or working on something
B. Insecure. What really sucks about this is that I have the tendency to get really insecure all around when I'm lacking this sense of motivation. Sometimes, it's even to the point where I get annoyed/hurt by my friends more than usual if they say or do something that even slightly bothers me. I feel really bad about this, but I don't really know how to express it. It's really conflicting because there's one side of me that says I need to just be tougher, but at the same time, I do think my feelings are still legitimate even if I am a little off.
C. Unhealthy. This one is tough because of my schedule. Generally, meals during the day aren't much of anything- a drink at Starbucks at the least and a small lunch at the Den at the most. However, on an eight meal plan I usually just wait until dinner to have a real meal. I have food from the store in my room, but I think the problem with the quality of my eating is more that I'm busy and not really thinking about it too much. It's almost like I just need the energy so badly I don't care about much else. I don't think I'm gaining or losing any weight, but I'm keeping my eyes out.
D. Perhaps the most important thing that I feel right now is just this sense of loneliness that isn't very rational but still exists. If you looked at my life from an objective standpoint, it may not seem like I have the right to feel this way. This isn't consistent, and it isn't affecting me to the point where I am seriously concerned about my well being. However, there are nights when I want to cry for no reason, or I just go through all these scenarios in my head about how I'm just not good enough for people based on the things that I say and do. Those nights are tough because I feel like anyone who I tell would just say I'm being silly and overthinking things. So I don't really talk about it too much, but it's there.
I guess it's nice to just lay it all out there because I do feel that I somehow always need to maintain this sunny disposition I'm known for. Most people who know me seem to appreciate this about me above most else- so if I expressed all of this to them I do fear that it would take away from this image I try so strongly to portray. Now, I don't mean I'm being fake- I am genuinely happy a lot of the time but I am only human. Right now, it's just taking a little more effort than usual to walk around with a smile. That's never stopped me before, so I don't plan on letting it now. The funny thing is, I love to talk but I hate admitting the truth sometimes. I like to try to show it; I like to try to communicate to people that I feel a lil' bad about myself right now without saying those exact words, or I make an exaggerated joke in hopes that they'll get it. I feel kinda bad that I've been doing this more than usual lately. It's not really fair. I don't like passive aggressiveness, but I think this more comes from a place of "I'm afraid to admit that things are hurting a little bit extra these days" rather than "I'm kinda sad actually but I'm just gonna hint at it muhahaha". I do think it matters what place things come from.
All in all, I am well aware that these things are mostly temporary, and very common. This is not intended to be a giant complaining fest- I am grateful for many things right now. I cannot pretend anymore that I do not need an outlet, and hopefully my next post will be rooted in joy and smiles. All in all this semester has been important, busy and good. Right now, I'm just tired. Tonight, I decided that I'm going to put this down in words so that I know it's true. This way, I can keep moving forward and figuring this stuff out.
Goodnight to all, and to all a goodnight,
--C--
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